Prolog

There were so many TV lights in my eyes I couldn’t see the crowd. But I could hear them. Thousands and thousands of people were clapping and cheering for me. And I hadn’t even opened my mouth yet!
I’d had a pretty good year even before this. I had fought for the right to go back to school in my hometown – Kokomo, Indiana – and I’d won. People there had tried to keep me out because I have AIDS. The fact is, AIDS is one disease that’s pretty hard to catch. No way you can get it from just being around someone who has it – even if you eat off their plate or drink from the same glass. If you could, my mom and my sister would have picked it up a long time ago.
Still, plenty of people in Kokomo thought I could give other kids AIDS if I kissed them or sneezed on them in school, or if I dripped sweat or tears on them. Fat chance! I mean, that’s disgusting! I’d never do that. Even I did, nothing would happen – except that I wouldn’t be too popular.

Well, panic spread all over town anyway. Lot’s of times kids flattened themselves against walls when I walked by. I heard kids telling Ryan White jokes. And grown people passed along lies about how they’d seen me biting people, or spitting on vegetables at the grocery store. I never did and I never would.
When I finally did get back into class, after a judge said the school was wrong, an awful lot of people still wanted me gone. To make the point, someone even put a bullet through our front window. So my mom, my sister, and I moved to a new town – Cicero, Indiana. People here were much friendlier, especially at my new school. Every now and again, a little bit of the old, mean stuff would happen – just enough to keep me going, speaking up.

So here I was in New Orleans, giving a speech to this national convention of 10.000 teachers about having AIDS. I wondered if Mr. Burkhaulter, my math teacher back at my old school, was out there somewhere. I remembered how I couldn’t believe it when I’d heard him say on TV that he didn’t want me in school - my favourite teacher!
Anyway, I started to tell this giant crowd about what it was like when my school found out I had AIDS. „I was labelled a troublemaker, my mom and unfit mother, and I wasn’t welcome anywhere,“ I told the teachers. „When we went to restaurants, people would get up and leave, so they wouldn’t have to sit anywhere near me. Even in church, no one would shake my hand.“

„AIDS can destroy a family if you let it,“ I went on, „but luckily for my sister and me, Mom taught us to keep going. She said, ‚Don’t give up, be proud of who you are and never feel sorry for yourself.’“
All I ever wanted to do was be one of the kids, because that’s what counts in high school. That and graduating. In Cicero, I said, my dream was coming true. Even my sister was easier to get along with now – she could be a roller skating champion again, which is what she really loves.
When I finished my story, I stepped back from the mike. More cheers were coming at me – even bigger ones this time. Those teachers were giving me a standing ovation! I still couldn’t see them, so I looked at my mom. She had tears in her eyes. She gets goose bumps too. I grinned at her. For what? The five hundredths time? – I was just amazed that complete strangers understood me and were treating me so much better than people I’d known all my life.
I never wanted to be famous. It’s embarrassing to be famous for being sick, especially with a disease like AIDS. I never wanted to be the „AIDS boy“ who was always in the news. I just wanted to be like every other kid my age – which is how the story happened.

Chapter "Going to a better place" - Excerpt No. 1

The one day Michael Jackson called me. Wow! I didn’t know why he had, except maybe because he’s from Indiana too. He was in his car, he said.
„If I lose you, man, I’ll call you back,“ he told me.
So I told him what I was doing, what movies I’d seen, what school was like, how John and I had been window-shopping for stereo – stuff I’d talk about to anyone. I said I was playing his albums. I liked „Man In The Mirror“ the best. Michael’s not flaky or weird, like you read in those newspapers you can buy in the supermarket. He’s real quiet and softspoken. Sometimes he takes a while to say things. He’s just kind of gentle and peaceful. He was a nice new friend for me to have.
„Next time you’re in L.A., we’ll get together and have some good old fun,“ he told me. Well, I couldn’t wait.

Chapter "Going to a better place" - Excerpt No. 2

On the day we were going to spend with Michael, a limo picked up Mom, Andrea, Heather, and me very early at our hotel. After we climbed in, we were told that we couldn’t take any cameras with us because we weren’t allowed to take pictures. About three hours later, about ten in the morning, we drove up to the entrance of Neverland, Michael’s ranch. We had stop and let the security guards check us out again. They escorted us to the main house. Michael was busy, we were told he’d be there in about a half hour.

So we had some sodas and Heather, Andrea and I found a game room. The girls started on the video games. I climbed into an airplane that rocked around just as if it were really flying. All of a sudden, I caught a glimpse of Michael, playing along with the girls. I kept trying to look around at him and say hello, but I was trapped! I couldn’t figure out how to stop the plane. No one else could either, so finally Michael had to stop laughing and unplug it!

Michael was wearing black pants and a red and black jacket and a black hat. He always wears my favourite colours. He showed us around the main house. Just like me, his dream is to have kids, so the house had a bedroom for a little boy and one for a little girl, plus a playroom with all kinds of toys and arts and crafts – even a miniature merrygo-round. Just like me, he collects things, especially dolls that are about three feet tall and look very lifelike. Mom loved them.
Besides the main house, the ranch has a pool, four bungalows for guests, and an oldtime movie theatre, with a popcorn machine and candy and a soda fountain. You use golf carts to get from one building to another, and to see the animals that are outdoors. There’s Michael’s giraffe, and cows that graze on his land but really belong to other ranchers.

At lunch – chicken, corn on the cob, and pumpkin pie – we met Michael’s monkeys. His famous one, Bubbles, wasn’t there, but the others made up for him. They all wore diapers and T-shirts in different colours. They have their own babysitters, and they go to school every day to learn manners. Their manners were pretty good! They hoped around and played with our shoelaces while we ate. Every now and again Michael fed them a treat. I never wanted to say goodbye to them.
I felt very comfortable around Michael because I could see he was just as shy as I am. He seemed like a regular person to me. I certainly could relax with him. At lunch there war juice and Pepsi. Mom asked if there was any Coke. Then she remembered Michael’s Pepsi commercial. She really thought she’d blown it.

At lunch – chicken, corn on the cob, and pumpkin pie – we met Michael’s monkeys. His famous one, Bubbles, wasn’t there, but the others made up for him. They all wore diapers and T-shirts in different colours. They have their own babysitters, and they go to school every day to learn manners. Their manners were pretty good! They hoped around and played with our shoelaces while we ate. Every now and again Michael fed them a treat. I never wanted to say goodbye to them.
I felt very comfortable around Michael because I could see he was just as shy as I am. He seemed like a regular person to me. I certainly could relax with him. At lunch there war juice and Pepsi. Mom asked if there was any Coke. Then she remembered Michael’s Pepsi commercial. She really thought she’d blown it.

Michael smiled. He knew what she was thinking. He said that Mom was just like his mother. So Mom got up the nerve to ask a mom-type question. „Michael,“ she said, „is it true that you sleep in an oxygen tank?“ That’s something the tabloids have said about him.
Michael laughed. „Now Jeanne,“ he said, „You know all the stuff that’s been written about you and Ryan.“
„Oh gosh,“ Mom said. „I understand!“
After lunch Michael asked me if I’d like to ride around part of the ranch in his fourwheeler. „Yeah!“ I said. Andrea was going to try his trampoline, and Heather and Mom were checking out his outdoor hot tub that had a video screen on one side.
Michael and I set out over the ranch’s dirt roads. I was at the wheel and he rode in the back. I took off and Michael yelled, „Slow down, Ryan!“ After we’d gone a few miles he asked me if I could find my way back to the house.
„Sure,“ I said. I listed a few landmarks.
„Good for you!“ Michael said. „But now let me drive!“

When we caught up with Mom and the girls it was getting late. We had homemade pizza for supper, and then it was time for us to drive back to L.A. I told Michael that I really, really wanted a photo of us together. So he sent someone out for a Polaroid camera, and drove down with us to the ranch’s entrance. Mom got some good shots, and then we said goodbye.
As the limo headed for the highway, Heather covered her face with her hands, shook her hair back and forth, and started laughing and laughing and laughing. She’d gotten excited when we went to see Cats in New York and the actors dressed as cats came down into the audience. But not like this.
„I just can’t believe it! I just can’t believe it!“ she cried. „We spend the day with Michael Jackson. I can’t believe we were with Michael Jackson.”

Chapter "Going to a better place" - Excerpt No. 3

On bad days I had to rely on the phone for social life. Michael called to say he was busy working on an album. He was in the studio every day. In between he had to pose for pictures.
„Oh yeah!“ I said. I knew what that was like. „You have to smile for so long! Then the photographer says something like, ‚Smile just like you smiled earlier!’ I always want to say ‚Give me a mirror so I can check.’“
„We’ve got to get together and goof off again,“ Michael said. He wanted to know if I could come back out to the ranch after Christmas.
Well, when Michael invites you, you don’t say maybe. Dr. Kleiman knew I wanted to keep going, and that trips to California kept me going. I could count on him to get me on that plane. So I told Michael, „You can bet on it.“ (...)

Dr. Kleiman saw no reason why I couldn’t visit Michael. I love Christmas, but this year I couldn’t wait for December 28, when I was taking off. Mum and I hung all our favourite ornaments and watched Miracle on the 34th Street for the five hundredth time. I still loved seeing the little girl who didn’t believe in Santa and how she found out that he’s real. Andrea could care less about fussing over Christmas, the way Mom and I like to.
„Remember how long I believed in Santa, Mom?“ I asked her.
„Yes, and I remember how Andrea used to laugh at you,” Mom said.
„I wonder whether she ever really believed at all,“ I sniffed.
This year, as usual, I had a long list for Santa.
„You always want more things and better things,“ Mom complained.
„Christmas isn’t about receiving, Mom“ I kidded her. „It’s about giving.“

At least I left for L.A. in a new leather jacket that I thought looked pretty cool. Michael’s security people met me in a limo. I called Mom from the limo to let her know I had arrived okay. We picked up Michael at his apartment, and then headed south for the ranch. Michael said he thought I looked better than I had on my last visit in June. I hoped he was right. Maybe the jacket helped.
The drive took about three hours. The limo dropped me off at Bungalow Three for the rest. Michael said, „See you at seven.“ That was suppertime. I was worried. My stomach ached and I was having cramps. I called Mom.
„I shouldn’t have come,“ I told her. „I don’t want to be sick here with Michael.“
„Well, you haven’t eaten in a while,“ Mom pointed out. I usually needed at least a snack every couple of hours or so. She said, „Why don’t you see how you feel after supper?“
I took a nap and went up to the main house for supper – chicken, beer ribs, and baked potatoes. Then Michael and I went to his private theatre and watched two and a half hours of Three Stooges reruns. We ate popcorn from the theatre’s own machine, and had pizza delivered from the house. I felt a lot better and had a great time. Now I was glad I had come.
Michael had told me to call the house the next morning when I woke up. Mark, the ranch manager, and his wife did all the cooking. They gave me a list of choices for breakfast and told me, „Anything you want, we’ll fix it.“ I picked French toast and bacon. My room was a little chilly, even though I’d brought my heater with me. So they brought me another portable heater and an electric blanket.

„I like your jacket,“ Michael told me, „but I want you to have a heavier one.“
So the two of us drove to a nearby town in Michael’s Bentley. I can’t name the town, because Michael likes the ranch to stay a private place. We couldn’t find the jacket Michael had in mind, but he did buy four or five dolls for other kids. The best part was, the man in the shop didn’t believe that Michael and his credit card were for real! Michael gave him the ranch’s security number, and he called to clear the card and the doublecheck that Michael was who he said he was.
I was very happy that dinner turned out to be tacos. Afterward I showed Michael a video that Mom, Andrea, and I had made for him of our whole house – every room, every poster and decoration we have on the walls, Andrea’s skating trophies and my collections. In the video, we took him on a guided tour, waving and clowning at the camera.
„When you come to visit now,“ I told him, „you’ll know your way around our house.“

The night we watched the new Indiana Jones movie, The Last Crusade. How lucky can you get, I thought. The lines were too long to get in at home, but I was getting a private screening.
The next day Michael had business meetings, so Mark took me to pick up a bomber jacket, the heavier one Michael wanted me to have. When Michael was free, we went back to town to pick out some presents for Mom and Andrea. I got Mom a great big Santa, and magic stuff for Andrea. Michael had a video crew come in, and we made a tape together about our friendship – kind of the flip side of the video we had made for him.
At dinner on New Year’s Eve, Michael gave me a wonderful watch. It chimes every hour and has a builtin alarm. It tells you the day of the week, the date, the month, and the year.
„Thanks!“ I said.
„I have to leave early tomorrow – before you go,“ Michael said. „I’m sorry I won’t be around. And I’m sorry I don’t have the autographed photo you wanted. But I’ll mail it to you.”
When we hugged goodbye, Michael said, „Never give up. Do it for me.”
New Year’s Day: my last day at the ranch. I played with Max, one of Michael’s pet monkeys. I was glad to see him again, and he was glad to see my shoelaces. I puckered up for a kiss, and Max gave me a big one.
I called Mom to tell her I was on my way home.
„There’s a big box at the ranch entrance for me to take home,“ I told her. „It’s driving me crazy. What do you think it is?“
It was a whole new stereo system and disc changer. A few days later I got a photo of Michael signed, „To Ryan.“ He was wearing red, black, and white. Thanks, Michael!

Epilog "Ryan's Final Illness and Funeral"

For the next week Ryan remained unconscious, in critical condition in the intensive care unit of Riley Hospital. Dr. Kleiman told Jeanne he was sure Ryan was not in pain. But Ryan’s chances of pulling through, he said, were only ten percent. (...)

During the next days Ryan was never alone. Jeanne and Andrea remained with him in the intensive care unit, listening to the pumping of his ventilator and the beep of his heart monitor.
Laura Kreich Block, Ryan’s favourite nurse, was working at another hospital, but she volunteered to come back to Riley and help look after Ryan. His grandparents had hurried to Indianapolis after his phone call, along with his aunt Janet, his uncle Leo and their kids., uncle Tommy and aunt Deb and their kids, and his stepfather, Steve Ford. They all arrived too late to talk to Ryan, but spend many days with him and tried to keep each other strong. His father, Wayne White, came to the hospital several times. (...)

Elton John flew in and told Jeanne, „I’m here to help you.” He brought in bodyguards who stood watch at the intensive care unit. (...)

One of Elton’s man duties was to keep track of all the phone messages and mail Ryan and his family got. Some school sent homemade posters lettered with „Hang in there, Ryan!“ and covered with kids’ signatures. Jeanne, Andrea, and Elton hung them on the walls of Ryan’s room, along with quilts and pictures from well-wishers. Ryan received so many flowers that his family and friends gave them away to other patients. (...)

There was no phone in Ryan’s room, but when Michael Jackson called, Elton and Jeanne asked the hospital for a special hook-up. Michael would have two minutes to speak. „Ryan,“ Elton said, „you can’t turn down a superstar like this. I’m grade B compared to Michael.” He held the phone to Ryan’s ear so Michael could encourage him. (...)

Dr. Kleiman said that Ryan was unaware of his surroundings, some friends felt strongly that he was with them.
„I said things I’d never thought about saying to anyone,“ Jill remembered.
„We’re sticking by you, Ryan,“ Dee said to him. „Keep trying.“
„Get up – we gotta go to the prom,“ Heather told him. „And don’t forget my birthday. You’ve been promising me forever.“ Ryan had been too sick in November to take Heather to Ben & Jerry’s. He’d said they’d go when he got back from California. (...)

One evening in the hospital, Jeanne, Elton, Ryan’s grandparents, and Uncle Tommy watched a short TV special on Ryan. At the end of the program, Jeanne saw Ryan say he’d trade his fame for health „like that“ – snapping his fingers.
Jeanne laughed. That was so like Ryan. She felt a lift, seeing him looking so well and so sure of himself. Then she looked around at the others and noticed that they were crying. I should be sad, she thought, but I feel proud. He looked so good there.

The following Saturday evening, when Ryan had been unconscious for a week, Elton left the hospital briefly to join John Mellencamp and Jesse Jackson at the fourth annual Farm Aid concert. On stage he announced, „This one’s for Ryan,“ and began singing „Candle In The Wind.“ Andrea and Heather were watching in the wings. As the song ended and the crowd applauded, they waited for Elton, but he rushed past them without saying a word. They knew he had been calling the hospital every fifteen minutes, so Ryan must have gotten worse. The raced back to Riley.
By the time Andrea, Heather, and Elton got back from the concert, Dr. Kleiman was convinced that Ryan would not last much longer. His blood pressure had dropped to dangerously low levels, and was still falling.
At about one o’clock Sunday morning, Michael Jackson called again from Atlantic City. When Jeanne told him Ryan was not expected to live, Michael declared he was flying to Indianapolis right away.
At about two in the morning, a nurse opened Ryan’s eyes and flicked the light switch in his room on and off several times. Jeanne saw that there was no change in Ryan’s eyes. They had stopped dilating. „That’s when I knew,“ she said. „He wasn’t going to make it this time.“
But Ryan’s heart had not stopped. Jeanne was afraid that he might struggle to hold on to life for her sake. So she told him, „Just let go, Ryan. It’s all right, sweetheart.“

Ryan died at 7:11 A.M. on April 8, 1990. It was Palm Sunday. Jeanne gave him one last kiss and then turned off his guardian angel nightlight. Andrea hugged him for a long time; she did not want to leave him by himself. So Laura told her, „I’ll stay with him until he’s ready to go to the funeral home.” In a room near Ryan’s, Reverend Probasco gathered Jeanne, Andrea, Ryan’s grandparents, his uncles, aunts, cousins, Elton, Heather, and some other friends in circle. They clasped hands to pray and say goodbye to Ryan.

As soon as Michael Jackson arrived, he went straight to the Whites’ home in Cicero. He was very upset that he hadn’t gotten there before Ryan died. He went up to Ryan’s room, which was full of his collections, posters, and souvenirs, including his director’s chair from the movie set. In it sat a giant toy gorilla that Ryan hat spotted in New Orleans and that the National Education Association sent him. On the walls were Alyssa Milano’s friendship bracelet, Max Headroom posters, and the hearts needlepointed by Kris, Ryan’s old girlfriend in Kokomo. Hanging from the ceiling was a real parachute, a present from Aunt Janet, and a thousand paper cranes – Japanese symbols of long life that an Indiana school had folded for Ryan from coloured papers. In the closet was the heavy new leather jacket Michael had wanted him to wear.
Michael, a fellow G. I. Joe collector, sat quietly looking at everything for a long time. He told Jeanne he felt close to Ryan in his room. Jeanne offered him anything he liked there as a keepsake, but he asked her to leave Ryan’s room just as it was.
In the Whites’ front yard sat the red Mustang Michael had given Ryan. Now it was covered with flowers and Easter eggs, gifts from children. Andrea took Michael out to show him the car and they sat in together. When Michael turned on the CD player, Ryan’s favourite song, Michael’s „Man In The Mirror,“ began to play. Michael smiled proudly. He knew it must have been the last song Ryan had played.
Jeanne told Michael she had recorded a phone conversation he’d had with Ryan. She was afraid Michael might be offended, but he said he wished she’d recorded all their talks. (...)

As Ryan had asked, he was dressed in his jeans and jean jacket, a surf shirt, sneakers, his favourite reflecting glasses, and the watch Michael had given him.
The morning of the funeral, April 11, was cold, windy, and drizzly. Outside the largest church in Indianapolis, long lines of people in their best clothes waited to view Ryan’s body. Since Ryan never took his fame seriously, Jeanne thought he’d be astonished. She said, „I bet he was looking down and laughing. He must have been saying, ‚I can’t believe all you silly people are getting wet to see me.’“